Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
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I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
True statement👍😏😁
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh