Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]