Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
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All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Admin smashed it 😂
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.