A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
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“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.