If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
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ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
pep talk
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.