[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
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girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know