I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
At least try to make it slightly believable
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I didn’t come here to be called names
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”