If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
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World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.