I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
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A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.