Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
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My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*