My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
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[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
mmm onion ringos
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?