breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
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The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Brb my Sims are getting married
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
bears
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Me too door. Me too.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles