my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
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Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple