Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
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I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants