After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
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If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.