“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
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I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.