DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain