Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
doing your own taxes
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*