what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
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I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I had to Stop for this
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.