Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
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A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or