I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
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boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
San Francisco has too many rules
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Hell yeah 👍
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on