Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
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I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory