Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
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Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Venn
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him