Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
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I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long