This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
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INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
How does one answer this?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?