She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
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Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
<—- homeless romantic
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing