Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
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*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth