When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
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You wish you had this many chins.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.