Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
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This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?