I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
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[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.