10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
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if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO