When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
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Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.