4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
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Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.