I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
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Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery