It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
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me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.