In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
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My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
calling in to work dehydrated
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery