Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
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Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Life hack
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Social distancing in Australia:
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Admin smashed it 😂
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Um … Hot Wings please
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”