I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
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PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.