*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
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that colleague who touches your screen
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD