“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
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My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I’m literally crying
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food