“Morning, how was your weekend?”
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I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???