ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
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Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
rise and shine we got egg
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”