Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance