My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
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What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.