I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
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even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”