People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
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“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
My life coach traded me.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.