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You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.