Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
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someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
If a snake ate a cake
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.