Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
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*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Meeeee too!
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
*updates tinder bio*
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with