My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
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It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.